I went to a club tonight.
They played “The Twist”, I did The Twist.
They played “Macarena”, I did the Macarena.
They played “Come On Eileen”, I got thrown out!

I remember being able to get up without making these sound effects.
Ahhhh, the good times.

Me: “Mum, I think I’ve broken my leg.”
Mum: “See, that’s because you’ve been on that damn phone too much!”

“How do you view lesbian relationships?”, I was asked.
“In High Definition.” was an inappropriate answer, apparently.

I saw a huge spider in the bathroom.
I panicked, but I think it’s gone now.

Me creating another email address for another free trial.

When a customer gives you attitude and their card just got declined.

Interviewer: “Your resumé says that you’re really fast at Maths. What’s 40 x 66?”
Me: “166.”
Interviewer: “You’re not even close.”
Me: “Yeah, but I was fast.”

When you show your parents a pic on your phone and they start swiping.

Her: He’s thinking about other women, I can sense it. What do I do?
Him: I hit him with a pump shotgun from close range and it only did 7 damage.

Hey, you smell coffee?
Me neither, go make me some!

I was about to go for a long run, but it looks like rain is coming. I’ll have to sit this one out.